Today is a stressful day. Last time I saw my married lover/boyfriend/whatever you want to call him, was over a week ago. He, let’s call him Bill (just for the record I will never use anyone’s real name here), was about to get on a plane and go back to where he spends the other half of his time when he’s not working. The travel is another part of our saga that I’ll get into later. As he was leaving, I handed him a 6-page letter that I’d written over the previous few days.
You may be asking “lady, 6-pages, why? That seems a bit much, what on earth could you have had to say?” Well, a lot, apparently. Also it was 3 pages front and back, which make 6, I’m not completely mad. Without you knowing the history and twists and turns of this relationships it’s important to know a few things about Bill and I. He is a ton of firsts for me: the first person I’ve said I love you to, the first person I’ve felt a real intense and close emotional connection with, the first person I’ve made a sex tape with (do we call it a tape if there’s no tape?), the first man I’ve cried hysterically in front of.
Back to the letter, the purpose is to decide how to proceed with our relationship. I let Bill know that if he does not back up his rhetoric of love and affection with some tangible action, that I’d have to end our relationship. It ultimately speaks to trust, our relationship was built on a lie, that he was single, and it’s been a struggle to trust him. But since then the vacillating between getting divorced and not has only made me believe his word less and less. I can’t stop myself from asking: if you’ve been unhappy in your marriage for years and haven’t separated by now, will you ever?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my excessive dating, it’s effortless to tell people what they want to hear for your gratification. I have no way of knowing if anything he tells me is true or if it’s merely because he wants to keep this incredibly convenient relationship intact. Since I never seem to be able to articulate how I feel when I’m around him, (it’s a mix of emotions and wanting to jump him all the time) I decided the smartest course of action was to write it all down in a letter.
So tonight is the night we talk about it. He’s had the letter for a week, he read it on the plane that day but gave me no indication of how he felt about it. He has simply said that he appreciates me being so open and honest, but that he’s still contemplating everything and wants to talk about it in person. Who knows, tomorrow I may come back to write to Y’all as a 100% single woman, as opposed to the half single one I consider myself now.
I’m incredibly nervous but excited to see him because I miss him. I also hate myself for feeling all of these feelings. I feel fragile and unlike myself. I hope I can stay strong, stand by my principles and not acquiesce to the best sex of my life. I deserve love and all that other shit. Here’s hoping something miraculous happens (you don’t know me yet, but that’s me being sarcastic).
Up to No Good 😉